The Scenario Library
Every ridiculous reason people have called 911 — and why you shouldn't
Not sure if it counts as an emergency? Check the Do Not Pass Go rules!
Do Not Pass Go
Your Food is Cold
Yes, cold pizza is tragic. But 911 can't microwave it for you. Try the kitchen instead!
Instead, try: Call your local pizza place or use the microwave
WiFi is Down
We know it feels like the world is ending, but dispatchers can't reset your router remotely.
Instead, try: Restart your router or call your ISP
There's a Spider
Unless it's the size of a car, grab a cup and a piece of paper. You've got this, champ!
Instead, try: Use a cup and paper to relocate the spider
Lost Your Remote
Check between the couch cushions. That's where 94% of all remotes are hiding. Trust the stats.
Instead, try: Check between the couch cushions
Neighbor's Music
Try a friendly knock first. If that fails, noise complaints go to your local non-emergency line.
Instead, try: Knock politely or call the non-emergency line
Stuck in Traffic
Calling 911 won't clear the highway. Deep breaths, good tunes, and patience are your friends.
Instead, try: Listen to a podcast and practice patience
Drones at Play
A drone buzzing over an empty field is just someone's hobby, not a crime scene. No lives in danger, no 911 needed!
Instead, try: Check FAA rules or contact your local non-emergency line if truly concerned
Barking Dog
A yappy dog next door is annoying, but dispatchers can't give it a timeout. Try earplugs or a friendly chat with your neighbor.
Instead, try: Talk to your neighbor or contact your local animal control
Parking Dispute
Someone took your usual street spot? That's frustrating, not felonious. Find another spot and save your breath.
Instead, try: Find another spot or contact your city's parking enforcement
Lost Pet
Mr. Fluffington escaped again! Post on local apps, make flyers, and knock on doors — dispatchers can't sniff out a cat.
Instead, try: Post on Nextdoor, Craigslist, or local Facebook groups
Bad Haircut
Your stylist went rogue and now you look like a hedge. Criminal? Arguably. A 911 matter? Definitely not.
Instead, try: Ask the salon to fix it or wait for hair to grow back
Seagull Stole Your Lunch
That seagull committed snack crimes in broad daylight. Brazen? Yes. Worth a 911 call? Absolutely not. Buy another hot dog.
Instead, try: Accept your loss and keep a tighter grip on the next one
Really Bad Sunburn
Forgot sunscreen again? That one's on you. Unless you're having a serious reaction, aloe vera is your first responder today.
Instead, try: Apply aloe vera, hydrate, and learn from the experience
Breaking Up With Your Partner
It's heartbreaking, we know. But dispatchers can't mend a broken heart or confiscate someone's Netflix password. Call a friend — not 911.
Instead, try: Lean on friends, family, or a therapist — not emergency services
Someone Stole Your Lunch
Your clearly-labeled turkey sandwich has vanished from the office fridge. A crime against humanity? Perhaps. A 911 matter? Absolutely not. Label it louder next time.
Instead, try: Send a group email or leave a strongly-worded note of your own
Passive-Aggressive Coworker Note
A sticky note appeared on your keyboard that says 'PLEASE clean up after yourself :)' with a suspiciously threatening smiley face. HR exists for this exact brand of chaos.
Instead, try: Forward it to HR or schedule a team meeting about passive aggression
Got a Funny Story?
Submit your own hilarious non-emergency and our cat mascot might feature it in the library!